Jokes Jokes Jokes

machine

2009-03-15T05:11:00.001-07:00

- Gnomes do it with machinery.

- Soldiers do it with a machine gun.

jack

2009-03-15T00:20:00.001-07:00

- "You ruined my jacket! Kill him A LOT! --> The original quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

- I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.

cactus

2009-03-14T06:59:00.001-07:00

- "Never try to cuddle a cactus."

- The world is like a cactus, except the pricks are inside.

lad

2009-03-14T03:20:00.001-07:00

- "Science is not a crutch, but a ladder." - Chris Feree

- An ass is but an ass, though laden with gold.

daddy

2009-03-13T23:59:00.001-07:00

- "Executive Suite, n.: A sugar daddy."

- "Mommy's all right, daddy's all right, they just seem a little weird. Surrender, but don't give yourself away. --> The original quote from Cheap Trick"

badge

2009-03-13T21:33:00.000-07:00

- "Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers! --> The original quote from UHF"

- "Snert, n.: A person, usually preteen, who disrupts chat rooms in an attempt to earn a Junior Hacquer D00D merit badge at the expense of other users of that service."

safer

2009-03-13T11:11:00.001-07:00

- "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. --> The original quote from Helen Keller"

- Criminals LOVE gun control - makes their job safer.

wag

2009-03-13T06:20:00.001-07:00

- "You might be a Republican if... you've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage."

- All asses wag their ears.

sage

2009-03-13T04:11:00.001-07:00

- {ÄÄÄÄÅììììììììì Tagline anchored to message ììììììììÅÄÄÄ}

- Thoughts in this message are weirder than they appear.

jail

2009-03-12T12:17:00.001-07:00

- "You were in jail... You had no hope... So I took the liberty of bullshitting you. --> The original quote from Blues Brothers"

- Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

main

2009-03-12T06:20:00.001-07:00

- Life is a perpetual drunkeness. The pleasure passes, but the headache remains.

- The main problem with old age is that you don't grow out of it.

wait

2009-03-11T21:11:00.000-07:00

- The foolish and unwary find waiting death. - Drow Proverb

- Íå goes long barefoot that waits for dead man's shoes.

pall

2009-03-10T10:33:00.001-07:00

- "She had that caffeinated coffeehouse look... her skin had the pallor of someone raised in a closet."

- "The prospect of Christmas appalls me. --> The original quote from Evelyn Waugh"

ballerina

2009-03-10T07:11:00.001-07:00

- "A famous ballerina's protege-lover could be said to be under her tutelage."

- "I don't understand anything about ballet; all I know is that during the intervals, the ballerinas stink like horses. --> The original quote from Chekhov"

dam

2009-03-09T09:17:00.001-07:00

- Hire the handicapped - give a Fundamentalist a job.

- Scare a fundamentalist: Say you are a cannibal, too!

yam

2009-03-09T08:11:00.001-07:00

- "Cogito ergo spud. I think, therefore I yam."

tan

2009-03-08T13:20:00.001-07:00

- Oaks may fall when reeds stand the storm.

- Standers-by see more than gamesters.

lance

2009-03-08T09:59:00.001-07:00

- "We recently purchased a \"Ph balanced complexion bar\". In layman's terms, this translates to \"soap\". --> The original quote from Rustan Leino"

- "Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out."

band

2009-03-08T06:20:00.001-07:00

- "Lux soap will make your husband gay." From a late '30's ad.

- Love thy neighbor, but don't let her husband catch you.

pane

2009-03-07T11:59:00.001-08:00

- "You can never get ahead by getting even. --> The original quote from Japanese proverb"

- Japanese Accountants do it in strange forms.

hang

2009-03-07T09:33:00.001-08:00

- Honours change manners.

- Name not a rope in his house that was hanged.

nap

2009-03-05T22:33:00.000-08:00

- Indianapolis 500 pit crews DO IT under 21 seconds.<--= Unhappy women!

- Rice Crispies do it with Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

papa

2009-03-05T21:20:00.001-08:00

- "Spiderman should be mandatory reading for the papacy. --> The original quote from John Dobbin"

jar

2009-03-05T03:59:00.001-08:00

- "You are in the bell jar. --> The original quote from Reality Bites"

- A small date stump props up the water jar.

carrot

2009-03-02T11:33:00.001-08:00

- "Corn isn't a problem. It's on the edible list. Corn, peas, carrots, lettuce in some situations, pickles, potatoes, string beans in some situations. --> The original quote from John Dobbin"

- "Life is like a carrot. Long and hard and orange and chewy when steamed."

dart

2009-03-02T05:46:00.001-08:00

- "Hey, I may not have a biological urge to hunt giraffes, but I'm seriously working up a desire to hunt them for fun. Maybe with darts, since I don't really know what I'd do with a giraffe. --> The original quote from John Dobbin"

- "I was too busy laughing at the image of you running across the Sahara with tournament darts, trying to bring down a giraffe. --> The original quote from Megan Coughlin"

nary

2009-03-01T18:11:00.001-08:00

- He was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

- The sacred lies in the ordinary.

wash

2009-03-01T03:46:00.001-08:00

- Head cook and bottle-washer.

- Òî wash one's dirty linen in public.

mask

2009-02-28T22:17:00.001-08:00

- "You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers - but where the hell is your hockey mask? --> The original quote from Top 5"

- Surgical nurses do it wearing a mask.

last

2009-02-28T01:59:00.001-08:00

- The last straw breaks the camel's back.

- The pitcher goes often to the well but is broken at last.

bastard

2009-02-28T00:46:00.001-08:00

- "There's an old man sitting next to me and there's something hangin' from his chin... --> The original quote from Billy Joel bastardized"

- "emotionally-envious, sexually-jealous insolent little dysfunctional bastard --> The original quote from baby-X"

taste

2009-02-27T23:33:00.001-08:00

- Get a taste of religion. Bite a preacher.

- Every man to his taste.

easy

2009-02-27T15:20:00.001-08:00

- All things are difficult before they are easy.

- It is easy to swim if another hoids up your chin (head).

mat

2009-02-27T14:17:00.001-08:00

- S&W LadySmith: The Ultimate in feminine protection.

- The ultimate quest has no ending.

satan

2009-02-27T10:46:00.001-08:00

- "TV is not the spawn of satan everybody makes it out to be. I'd say the WWW is more pernicious than TV. --> The original quote from John Dobbin"

- "Were you like raised in a satanic cult or something? She wishes. --> The original quote from My So-Called Life"

mate

2009-02-27T03:46:00.001-08:00

- Estimated Backup says How Many Disks?

- S&W LadySmith: The Ultimate in feminine protection.

naughty

2009-01-25T15:57:00.001-08:00

- Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?

rave

2009-01-24T00:00:00.001-08:00

- Ideas must work through the brains and the arms of good and brave men.

- Fortune favours the brave (the bold).

favor

2009-01-23T17:00:00.001-08:00

- My brain is my second favorite organ.

- Send Monopoly money to your favorite TV Evangelist.

lawyer

2009-01-23T04:11:00.001-08:00

- Just remember lawyers do it to you legally.

- How many lawyer jokes are there? One. The rest are true.

bay

2009-01-22T23:33:00.001-08:00

- "Uncertainty and mystery are energies of life. Don't let them scare you unduly, for they keep boredom at bay and spark creativity. --> The original quote from R.I. Fitzhenry"

- My Ford Fiesta floats OK, it's in the garage, not in the bay

may

2009-01-22T22:20:00.001-08:00

- Love will creep where it may not go.

- Oaks may fall when reeds stand the storm.

lazy

2009-01-22T11:57:00.001-08:00

- "You might be a Republican if... you ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch, \"lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society.\""

- Facts are lazy and facts are late.

sculpt

2009-01-20T09:46:00.001-08:00

- "The Ten Commandments are banned from the schoolroom, but pornographic videos are permitted. Or, as someone has quipped about the notorious sculpture by Andres Serrano, a crucifix many not be exhibited - unless it is dipped in urine, in which case it will be awarded a grant by the National Endowment for the Arts. --> The original quote from Judge Robert Bork scopes the current cultural scene"

- "To sculpt an elephant, get a huge block of marble and chip away everything that does not look like an elephant."

identification

2009-01-20T03:57:00.001-08:00

tea

2009-01-19T06:20:00.001-08:00

- The cat shuts its eyes when stealing cream.

- Òî use a steam-hammer to crack nuts.

teal

2009-01-18T13:20:00.001-08:00

- Neither a borrower nor a lender be; work for the IRS and steal it.

- Íå that will steal an egg will steal an ox.

heap

2009-01-18T05:20:00.001-08:00

- Pascal programmers do it on the heap.

- Cheapest is the dearest.

gear

2009-01-18T03:00:00.001-08:00

- "Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears!"

- "You'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that. --> The original quote from Marcus J. Ranum"

beaver

2009-01-17T05:33:00.001-08:00

- "Lawyers are like beavers. They get in the main stream and jam it up. --> The original quote from W. Freund"

- "\"Nice beaver.\" \"Thank you. I just got it stuffed.\" --> The original quote from Naked Gun"

beck

2009-01-16T07:33:00.001-08:00

- "The nicest thing you can do for anybody is let them help you. --> The original quote from John Steinbeck, Sweet Thursday"

- "Thinking of the kind that GPS and other AI models that attempt to reason from first principles hardly occurs at all. --> The original quote from Riesbeck & Schank "

wed

2009-01-15T07:33:00.001-08:00

- When guns are outlawed, gun control advocates will be unarmed victims

redneck

2009-01-14T18:46:00.001-08:00

- "You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive."

- "You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan."

gee

2009-01-14T12:46:00.001-08:00

- "\"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?\" \"You're a drummer, aren't you?\" \"Yeah. How'd you know?\" \"This is a travel agency.\""

- Thuggees do it with a silk rope.

see

2009-01-14T12:00:00.001-08:00

- None so blind as those who won't see.

- The camel going to seek horns lost his ears.

zee

2009-01-14T11:20:00.001-08:00

- "In this town of chimpanzees I was a monkey. --> The original quote from Beck"

- Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!

needle

2009-01-14T08:00:00.001-08:00

- "belonephobia, n.: An abnormal fear of sharply pointed objects, especially needles."

- Like a needle in a haystack.

beef

2009-01-14T06:46:00.001-08:00

- "Take a corn dog: composed of hideous pork and beef slabs, corn meal, and deep fried cow lard, but when assembled, beauty incarnate. --> The original quote from Baked Potatoes"

- "\"This meat is hard to chew,\" Tom beefed jerkily."

week

2009-01-14T04:46:00.001-08:00

- "\"Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?\" \"We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago.\""

- GARBAGEMEN come once a week.

teen

2009-01-14T02:00:00.001-08:00

- Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen.

- "Blind faith in anything can get you killed." - B. Springsteen, 1985

deep

2009-01-14T01:20:00.001-08:00

- A great ship asks deep waters.

- Between the devil and the deep (blue) sea.

seep

2009-01-14T00:46:00.001-08:00

meet

2009-01-13T21:11:00.001-08:00

- Extremes meet.

- Òî make both ends meet.

legend

2009-01-12T22:33:00.001-08:00

- "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. --> The original quote from Jack Handey"

- "Of all the countless folk who have lived before our time on this planet not one is known in history or legend as having died of laughter. --> The original quote from Sir Max Beerbohm"

reindeer

2009-01-12T03:57:00.001-08:00

weird

2009-01-12T02:33:00.001-08:00

- "Yesterday's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. --> The original quote from Hunter S. Thompson"

- I'm weird...but around here it's barely noticeable.

gel

2009-01-11T21:57:00.001-08:00

- "I am a Borg-again Christian. Resistance to our evangelism is futile."

- Televangelists: the professional wrestlers of religion.

welcome

2009-01-11T18:33:00.001-08:00

- Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.

- As welcome as flowers in May.

delete

2009-01-11T10:33:00.001-08:00

- "[From information deleted so Rohit can't make me look like a twit yet again.] But you are a twit. Acceptance is the first step toward recovery. --> The original quote from John Dobbin"

- I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

pelican

2009-01-11T06:33:00.001-08:00

- "Sometimes I feel like a pelican because everywhere I turn there is this enormous bill on front of me. --> The original quote from Blackadder III"

sell

2009-01-10T22:33:00.001-08:00

- Catch the bear before you sell his skin.

- If you sell the cow, you sell her milk too.

helmet

2009-01-10T14:33:00.001-08:00

- "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --> The original quote from Dave Edison"

- "Ways to annoy: Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your \"astronaut training\"."

temptation

2009-01-09T09:11:00.001-08:00

- "You know you've reached middle age when you have two temptations, and you pick the one that will get you home earliest. --> The original quote from Lee Tully"

- Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

men

2009-01-09T06:33:00.001-08:00

- Mend or end (end or mend).

- Self-praise is no recommendation.

yen

2009-01-09T05:57:00.001-08:00

- "I have always had a yen for the yin and yang... so one day I'm thinking to myself, \"Why not Zen too?\" --> The original quote from Douglas Hofstadter, Godel Escher Bach"

lend

2009-01-09T00:33:00.001-08:00

- Neither a borrower nor a lender be; work for the IRS and steal it.

- Better give a shilling than lend a half-crown.

tennis

2009-01-08T06:33:00.001-08:00

- "I'd have to guess the noise your dryer makes when you decide to wash your tennis shoes. --> The original quote from Megan Coughlin"

- "The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities."

sense

2009-01-08T01:11:00.001-08:00

- "Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right."

- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

gent

2009-01-07T20:33:00.001-08:00

- I am romantic, caring, gentle, loving, respectful. So, ya wanna fuck?

- New members urgently required for Suicide Club.

sent

2009-01-07T19:57:00.001-08:00

- Do misbehaving witches get sent to the broom closet?

- Long absent, soon forgotten.

dental

2009-01-07T18:33:00.001-08:00

- "Zen druidry, n.: Transcendental vegetation."

- Mathematicians do it transcendentally.

pep

2009-01-06T23:57:00.001-08:00

- "Obscurism, n.: The practice of peppering daily life with obscure references (forgotten films, dead TV stars, unpopular book, defunct countries, etc.) as a subliminal means of showcasing one's education and one's wish to disassociate from the world of mass culture. --> The original quote from Douglas Coupland"

- "Peppier, sniglet: The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper."

per

2009-01-05T19:20:00.001-08:00

- Ill-gotten gains never prosper.

- Prosperity makes friends, and adversity tries them.

here

2009-01-05T08:46:00.001-08:00

- There's many a slip 'tween (== between) the cup and the lip.

- Where there's a will, there's a way.

aerosol

2009-01-03T23:20:00.001-08:00

person

2009-01-03T11:20:00.001-08:00

- A person has a fundamental right to defend themselves!

- Blasphemy: When a religious person dares to think.

serve

2009-01-03T02:00:00.001-08:00

- Íå that serves everybody is paid by nobody.

- None but the brave deserve the fair.

rescue

2009-01-02T19:20:00.001-08:00

- "Ecnalubma, sniglet: A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror."

reside

2009-01-02T15:20:00.001-08:00

- I hear the president is naming you Secretary of the Inferior.

- Mr. President, it's your boss. You know, "We the People."

jess

2009-01-02T02:00:00.001-08:00

fest

2009-01-01T22:00:00.001-08:00

- "Thinking of Wired as a techno-rag of any sort is liable to lead to confusion. Wired is a *lifestyle magazine*, and has little more or less to recommend it than any other one. It has a lot more in common with GQ or Modern Homes and Gardens than it does with Byte. --> The original quote from Paul Dourish, jpd@research.apple.com"

- "We HAVE to do it! It's part of our lifestyle. --> The original quote from Seinfeld"

pest

2009-01-01T21:20:00.001-08:00

- "The first blonde is the cheapest."

- "We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep. --> The original quote from Shakespeare, The Tempest, Prospero's last speech"

west

2009-01-01T20:46:00.001-08:00

- Socialism. Get everyone down to the lowest common level.

- Modem: The newest effective non-medical birth control device!

restaurant

2009-01-01T19:20:00.001-08:00

- "We went to the restaurant despite our reservations."

- "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, 'Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.' --> The original quote from Dennis Miller"

restroom

2009-01-01T11:20:00.001-08:00

- "Mere words cannot fully describe how bad this film is, but if you'd like to watch a close facsimile, here's my recommendation: Take an underwater camera and stick it at the bottom of a toilet in a busy public restroom in New York City's Grand Central Station. --> The original quote from Mr. Cranky"

- Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.

jet

2009-01-01T07:20:00.001-08:00

- "Toute la mer monte pour une pierre qu'on y jette. The sea rises with every stone thrown in it."

- All commercial jets have a black box. So do most blondes.

pet

2009-01-01T06:46:00.001-08:00

- Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent.

- I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.

wet

2009-01-01T06:00:00.001-08:00

- Guns cause crime like wet streets cause rain.

- Íå who would catch fish must not mind getting wet.

tete

2008-12-31T22:00:00.001-08:00

meter

2008-12-31T19:20:00.001-08:00

- To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

- Hurdlers DO IT every 10 meters.